Other News

From the Mole archives…

It somehow seems appropriate that we once again publish this:


I don’t know if you agree or not but I think that the 364 gifts given in the ‘twelve days of Christmas’, no matter how well intended, would be quite a burden? For example, have you considered just how many birds you would have to look after? (Hasn’t ‘my true love’ ever heard of Bird Flu?) We get 12 Partridges in a Pear Tree (not many given their star billing), 42 ‘Geese-a-Laying’ (no doubt leading to blooming hundreds of baby Geese in no time at all), 33 French Hens, 36 Calling Birds, 22 Turtle Doves and 42 Swans-a-Swimming. Very clearly we need a decent sized pond, a small copse and a set of ear defenders before we can accept such gifts.

And what about the other stuff? We’ve got the makings of a pretty good band from our 22 Pipers piping and 12 Drummers Drumming. (It’s a shame we have 33 French Hens and not 33 French Horns). Throw in 36 Ladies Dancing and 30 Lords-a-Leaping and it’s almost a Royal Variety performance. But have you given any thought to who is going to feed all these people? Dancers consume lots of calories and musicians consume lots of alcohol. This doesn’t come cheap. I suppose we could start an aviary and the profits could go towards food, booze and pond cleaning. (Our band and dancers could even perform at the grand opening). But even after all that, we still have 40 Gold Rings and 40 Maids-a-Milking to deal with. Initially I thought that the Maids-a-Milking could work in the aviary too but I’m pretty sure that Partridges, Turtle Doves, French Hens, Calling Birds, Geese or Swans don’t need milking.

So, on reflection, I think we should sell the birds to Bernard Matthews, offload the Drummers and Pipers on the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, pass the Ladies Dancing and Lords-a-Leaping over to ‘Strictly’ and lay-off the Maids-a-Milking as there just isn’t the demand during the ‘credit crunch’. That just leaves us with the 40 Gold Rings to melt down and sell for scrap. Luvlee Jublee!